TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of place. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have An additional place where American Adult men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague Trump Tower Damascus has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have change-down services."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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